Control

Well our trip is soon, and I'm surprisingly calm right now.

I don't know what's happening but I think God's preparing me for what I'm going to see very soon. This past Wednesday one of my youth leaders prepared a lesson on my trip and the organizational I'm going with. After her lesson she asked for me to come to the front to be recognized and prayed for. Well lets just say I broke down completely. I sobbed like a baby. Not only did I sob, I sobbed in front of my WHOLE youth group. If you know me you'll know I don't like looking weak in front of people, so crying in front of my whole youth group was NOT what I wanted to do, but exactly what i needed. It's strange how God works that way; he makes us do what we don't want too, to show he knows what's best for us, and that he has control. Which brings up my next topic, control. I like being in control of my life, mainly because I'm extremely independent, and have been for most part. I like making decisions for myself and thinking for myself not others thinking for me. Well God knows that and has put me through some trials in my life that I had no control over whatsoever. Which caused me to not trust him at all. Throughout the years me and him have worked on it and I started to trust him again, then the wave of death hit and I wanted to trust him so much but I just couldn't, it hurt to badly. Again I talked, sometimes yelled, with God to work out the trust factor. He made it clear through scripture and lessons at church that he was looking out for me, and would never put me through something I couldn't overcome. Well this Wednesday all of a sudden I realized what I really would be seeing during this trip, and I didn't think I could do it. The devil knew my weakness and made it very clear to me that I would fail. I was overcome with defeat. I didn't think I could do what God has called me to do for over 5 years. I didn't think I could look at children's faces in the slums, and leave them there. That I couldn't see them starving, and abandon them. I know how it feels to starve and can't imagine how it feels to have no hope on top of that. I started praying to God and kept thinking I can't, I can't do that. God you've made a mistake, I've made a mistake. I can't do that, I can't live with myself, I'm not ready. After I calmed down he started to show me why he picked me. He revealed to me that this trip wasn't only about me ministering to them, it's also them ministering to me, and it started to become very clear what my trip was going to be about; for me to help bring hope to Kibera, and Kibera bringing me and God closer, in more then one way. I started to understand that it would help me to be able to trust him because others more unfortunate then me could. Which has helped me so much. It's crazy how God works sometimes, that he can defeat the devil, even if he's picked the weakest part of you, and make it completely positive. Also God made me realized I'm there to help, not to harm or abandon them. That I'll be seen as hope, but I can't stop after my trip, I have to keep helping and praying or nothing will change. And that's the last thing I want.